


Learning to Breathe

by orphan_account



Series: Post-war [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, First War, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Peter in Azkaban, Polyamory, Post-War, Post-War Trauma, Pregnancy, Toddler Harry, established relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 09:44:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7710310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James, Lily, and Regulus are getting by.  The war left none of them untouched, but what mattered was they had each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned in this fic for nightmares, angst, post-war trauma. I want fluff and yet all this stuff keeps pouring out. I think this one is way more fluffy than the last though, so that's something.

Windows shattered. Books flew from the cases. The door opened and slammed shut. Opened and slammed shut.

The sound of bare feet tapping on the polished wood filled the air, and in spite of the chaos raging through the room, Lily Evans pushed the door open and rushed to the side of the bed. She skilfully manoeuvred round a few flying pages from a stack of parchment left on the desk, and dropped on the duvet. The man in the centre of the bed, writhing and gasping, flung an arm out, trying to shove her away. She didn’t move though, her hands coming down along his upper arms.

“Reg, it’s okay. You’re safe, you’re home. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

A moment later, Regulus Black sat up. A lock of dark hair tumbled over one too-bright eye as he gasped, clawing at his throat, at invisible hands trying to choke him, to draw him under. His voice was raspy, even on good days, and the healers had never been able to figure out if the damage had been magic or trauma. But it was lasting.

Lily stayed where she was, as eventually his hands turned, fingers digging into her soft flesh. His breathing began to even out, though every other draw in had a hitch. When she was certain he’d come out of it, she shifted further onto the bed, taking him into her arms. Her fingers brushed through his hair, nails catching a bit on the textured curls as she shushed him.

“It’s alright.”

“Can’t breathe,” he whispered.

“You can,” she reminded him. “Follow mine. I’ve got you. In. Out. In. Out.”

He obeyed her commands, and twenty minutes later he relaxed fully against her. His breathing evened out on its own, and he was dead weight in her arms. He wouldn’t have slept, but exhaustion pulled him under, and she knew he wouldn’t dream if she was there. She’d left a note downstairs for James, who came home an hour later from his shift with his Auror team.

He had a bottle of Dreamless Sleep waiting. It wasn’t too late to take it, just gone midnight as the nightmares tended to arrive. They wanted Reg to take the potion all the time, but he was too afraid to be addicted, and James and Lily could understand that on some level.

Lily shifted to the side, rolling Regulus toward James who knelt one knee on the bed, and used one hand to gently prod him until a grey eye opened. He scowled, and James chuckled low in the back of his throat as he pushed the phial to his boyfriend’s lips. Regulus drank it, greedy and desperate, and then shuffled back against Lily as James went to the wardrobe to peel off his red robes in favour of pyjamas.

“How was it?” Lily asked as she shuffled under the duvet. She couldn’t help a smile when Regulus nuzzled against the side of her pregnancy-swollen breast. It ached a bit, feeling a bit too full since it was getting close, but she didn’t push him away. His hand snaked up, even in his sleep, and pressed against the swollen bit near her ribs where their newest child liked to press their feet. It only took a moment before the tapping began. James joked a lot recently about how the new baby seemed to like Regulus best. He pretended to pout, but secretly he and Lily both loved the idea.

“It was long. Hexed wardrobes and other things. Most of it was taken into custody, but we weren’t able to find him.”

She pulled a face. “He going to be a problem. I mean, was this a supporter or an active Death Eater.”

“Moody doesn’t think he was dangerous. Definitely not in Voldemort’s inner circle. But we’re not taking too many chances.” James rubbed a particularly vicious-looking bruise on his side as he shuffled back toward the bed. “How long did this one last?”

Lily glanced down at Regulus whose eyes were still now, closed and easy. “Not long. I didn’t notice until I heard the window shatter.”

James seemed to take notice right then of the damage, and with a tired sigh, he flicked his wand and repaired the damage. He left the books and parchment where they’d fallen though, desperate for his bed. He crawled on the other side of Regulus and carefully pressed his front to his boyfriend’s back. “You think it’s getting any better?”

“I think it’s too soon to make that call,” Lily replied. “He tumbled on our doorstep less than eight months ago. I don’t think you heal from trauma like that in time you can measure in weeks.”

James sighed, pressing his nose to the back of Regulus’ hair, then kissed him. “I just worry.”

“Yes, we know,” Lily said, winking when James pulled a face at her. “It’s what you do best, Potter.”

James sighed, tucking one arm round Regulus’ middle, but his fingers found hers and squeezed. “Not getting sick of this, are you?”

“What? The adorable man cuddled up against my stomach? The quiet, kind Slytherin whom our son adores and our future child can’t seem to get enough of?”

James blinked at her. “It’s only…I know our wedding vows didn’t come with, I take thee James Potter, and his boyfriend.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Potter, I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t think I could handle the way you love people. I knew when I married you, it wasn’t just marrying you. It was marrying Remus and Sirius and Pe—” She stopped and swallowed, then her eyes went hard. “And Peter too. For a while. And I didn’t know about Regulus but if I had, it wouldn’t have changed anything.” She brushed her hand down Regulus’ hair, then drifted her fingers toward James, plucking the glasses he’d forgotten to take off, and set them on the night table. “I love him too, you know. I want him here. It’s not sharing, Potter. Just because he’s not in my bed doesn’t make what we have less.”

James smiled softly, lifting up so he could press his lips to hers, and he hummed against her warm skin. “Merlin but I love you so much.”

“I know, you great big sop,” she said. “I’m going down though, if you’ve got him.”

“Sleeping in the chair again?” James asked with a sigh.

“Only place I can get comfortable without the sprog shoving feet into my ribs. And I didn’t vomit up stomach acid the last three mornings so I’ll take it.”

James shifted to kiss her once more, before he settled down, bones aching with exhaustion. “And the morning?”

“I have to stop by Mary’s to um…” Lily swallowed thickly, most of them not able to say Dorcas’ name aloud just yet. “I’ll be most of the afternoon, unless you need me.”

“I’m off tomorrow,” James said, very soft and quiet as he found her hand again, playing with her fingers. “How about Reg and I take Harry to the zoo, then we can pick up something on the way home for tea? Something terrible for us. So we can eat our feelings. Maybe see if Pads and Moony want to join us.”

Lily smiled and shuffled away from Regulus’ grip, easing her legs off the side of the bed. The very last thing she did was pull her fingers from James’, and eventually shuffled out of the room to attempt her own sleep that night.

Very little came, but it was something.

For all of them.

*** 

James woke to a quiet noise, a sniffling, and he rose to consciousness slowly. It had become a sort of morning alarm, Regulus’ crying into his pillow. It only happened after nights of severe nightmares. Even when the Dreamless Sleep carried him off, his emotions would rise to the surface and spill out with the morning sun.

James did as he always did, putting his arms round his boyfriend’s waist, and hitched him close to his chest. Regulus kept his face pressed to the pillow as he released everything, his shoulders shaking with the too-quiet sobs, but eventually he evened out, and his breathing went back to normal.

When it was safe to do so, James kissed along the back of Regulus’ neck, then carefully manoeuvred him round until they were nose-to-nose. James kissed him across the cheeks, lips, then the chin. He used his thumb to brush away stray tears, but it was the most acknowledgement the outburst got.

“Hungry?” James asked.

Regulus cleared his throat, then shrugged. “Something light.”

“Chopped fruit with cinnamon?” James offered. “I think Lily picked up some stone fruits early. Why don’t you have a shower, and I’ll get Haz out of the cot and get him fed. I have the day off.”

Regulus’ slightly red-rimmed eyes went a bit brighter. “Day out?”

“Zoo,” James said. He grinned when Regulus did, and brushed his thumb just under Regulus’ bottom lip before kissing him. “Then take-away. Can you send an owl to Pads? See if he and Moony want to come by for tea? Lily’s going to be at Mary’s most of the day so she’ll want company.”

Regulus sighed. “Is that good for the baby?”

James couldn’t help a small chuckle at his boyfriend’s worry. “The baby is going to be fine.” They kissed a bit more, chaste to avoid soured tongues, but slow and sweet before James pushed himself up. His shirt rode up along his ribs, and Regulus’ gaze caught the slight bruising. Before James could pull away, Regulus grabbed his arm and tugged him down.

“What is this?” His fingers gingerly prod at the sore patch of skin.

“Long night,” James said. He cupped Regulus’ cheek with one hand and tried to kiss the worry away. It wasn’t Regulus’ fault, and he hadn’t always been so over-protective. But the war did things to people, they all suffered in their own way. “I’m alright, I promise.”

Regulus scowled at him, prepared to argue, but just then they could hear Harry calling from his bedroom. “Dada! Papa! Dadaaaaa! Mamamamama!”

James laughed, then pressed a final kiss to Regulus’ nose. “Go on, shower. Relax. Have a wank.”

Regulus shoved at James.

“We’ll have a nice day out. Promise.” With that, he pushed himself up, then padded over to the nursery where Harry was standing in his cot, bouncing up and down, holding the rails and grinning. When he saw James, he blew a raspberry and made a happy noise. “Dadadadada.”

“Hi you. Are you hungry?” James swung him out of the cot, then checked his nappy to find it dry. Lily was working on toilet training a little, though Harry wasn’t quiet two yet, but the near-toddler was precocious and taking his milestones by storm.

“Wan nom,” Harry demanded.

James tickled his sides as he slung Harry onto his hip, then took the stairs a bit harder than was normal to make the boy bounce and laugh. “Noms? What sort? Do you wannnnnnt….tickles?” He went at the boy’s sides again, and Harry laughed, squealing and kicking until he escaped James’ arms and went tearing into the kitchen.

James tore after him, catching him just before he reached the kitchen table, then plonked the toddler into his own seat, buckling the strap down. “How about fruit, yeah? Papa wants fruit.”

James flicked his wand at the kettle, then went to the small fruit bowl by the sink and selected a few of the ripe plums, peaches, and nectarines. They were all of Reg’s favourites, and James set to work on toast with some blackberry jam, then chopping up the fruit. He set the stones aside for Lily, who was determined to plant them and see them grow in their garden, and then he sprinkled cinnamon, and drizzled honey.

By the time it was all ready, two cups of tea brewing, and toast buttered, Regulus was slipping into the kitchen. He was wearing muggle attire for the zoo, trousers and a t-shirt which Sirius had clearly picked out. But James’ heart beat wildly against his ribs, full of affection, love, and want for the other man.

He tugged Regulus over, kissing him soundly. “Milk and honey?”

“Please,” Regulus said before pulling away, marching over to give Harry a kiss on his face which was only slightly covered in jam and toast crumbs.

Harry pointed a chubby finger at Regulus. “Papapapa. Want noms.”

Regulus pulled the bowl of fruit toward him, serving himself as James set the tea down, then he pushed a few, sweet bits onto Harry’s tray. “Thanks, love. It looks delicious.”

They ate in a companionable silence, interrupted only by the arrival of Archimedes, Moony’s owl, who dropped a letter, snagged a quick bite of fruit, then hurried off before he could be set on another task. James unfolded the note that read they’d be there at half six.

“Company will be good,” James said quietly, then looked at Harry. “You want to see Padfoot and Moony tonight?”

“Pada! Pada Moon!” Harry kicked his feet happily. “Wan bwoom. Pada bwoom.”

James rolled his eyes, but nodded. “Yes, I’m sure he’ll bring your broom. And hopefully mummy will be in a decent enough mood to let you use it.”

Harry grinned and finished off his toast before raising his hands and opening and closing his little fists to be let out. Regulus managed that whilst James wet a flannel, and handed it to the boy. “Can you be a big boy?”

“Yah!” Harry said, and swiped big, sloppy circles across his face, but managed to get most of the jam up. He dropped the flannel, laughed, then tore out of the room, his pyjama’d feet slapping on the hard floors as he rushed into the lounge where some of his toys were.

James let out a sigh, but grinned when Regulus curled a hand round the back of his neck and drew him in for a kiss. “Love you,” he murmured.

Regulus gave a happy hum. “I love you so much. I’ll get him ready and we can head out, yeah?”

Regulus stared to move away, but James caught him with a slight laugh, making Regulus giggle as he spun him, then pushed him up against the counter. James’ hand came up, cupping Regulus by both cheeks, and he kissed him, long and slow. By the time he pulled away, Regulus had a full—albeit rare—grin, his eyes alight with a happiness that was often absent from his face during the night. They locked gazes and James let out a small sigh.

“Didn’t think I’d be this happy. But here I am…”

Regulus rolled his eyes, and James thought, _there’s my Reggie_ , as Regulus twisted his long fingers into the front of James’ shirt. “Here you are. Now let me go, otherwise we’ll be stuck in this kitchen all day. Which I can live with, but I think the toddler might protest.”

James sighed, and stepped back reluctantly, watching as Regulus moved out of the room, grabbing Harry on his way up the stairs. It was true. He hadn’t realised in all his years, that he would ever, ever be this happy.

*** 

Of course it wasn’t always happy.

Moments when Lily returned weighed down with grief. Or at the occasional, lost look in Sirius’ eyes when he’d fall silent over a memory. Sirius, who had been dealing the hardest of them all. Mostly because he’d nearly lost Moony—distrusting him, letting old prejudices and Peter’s whispered bile infect him.

And then there had been Peter.

Peter that they’d all trusted. Sirius, who had put the lives of those he loved most into Peter’s hands, blamed himself. They all walked away alive, Peter locked up, the Dark Lord dead.

But it didn’t stop Sirius from reliving the what-ifs almost constantly.

He was getting through it. His moments were fewer and far between, but James would catch his eye every now and again, and he’d see his best friend suffering.

Regulus was busy giving Lily a back massage, and Remus was blathering on about the latest homeopathic remedies for magical pregnancies. Harry was sucking his thumb between Lily’s legs, occasionally giggling with the baby would give his back a swift kick. The muggle telly was on, and Sirius was curled up into himself on the chair.

James rose, pulling Sirius’ hand into his, and tugged him outside. Though Lily hated when he smoked, this seemed like one of those times it was necessary, and he grabbed his emergency fags from a small crack in the wall. Lighting two with his wand, he winked at Sirius’ grateful smile, and the pair eased themselves down in the grass.

The stars were out, bright and intense, casting a slight glow over the garden. The moon was half-full, getting close to making Remus ache, but not quite yet. James shuffled over until they were shoulder to shoulder, and he laced their fingers together.

“How’s my brother doing?” Sirius asked after some time.

“Are you wondering, or just making conversation?”

“Don’t want him to think I’m fussing, so I don’t ask,” Sirius replied.

James shook his head, shifting onto his side, the cigarette clenched between his teeth. He propped his head up on his palm, elbow sinking into the soft grass. “He’s been better, and he’s been worse. He only gets the nightmares sometimes. Lily calms him down.”

“He’s lucky to have you both.”

James cocked his head to the side, then flicked the barely-gone cigarette a few feet away. It sizzled out on a bit of dew, the red cherry flickering, then disappearing. “You have us too, you know. And Moony, of course. But if it’s getting to be too much…”

“Sometimes his forgiveness hurts,” Sirius admitted. “Because I’m not sure I deserve it.”

“We all had our heads wrong, Padfoot,” James said quietly. He turned Sirius’ palm, and began to draw lines along the soft skin there. “Wasn’t just you. We all…put our faith where it shouldn’t have been.”

“We let him get away from us,” Sirius said through a thick lungful of smoke. “Dunno how. Fuck, I dunno how. How did he fall so far?”

“He was afraid. Peter never did well with fear. Never expressed it, thought we’d think less of him.” James felt his throat go tight because fucking hell, for all that he’d almost lost everything, he still loved him. “I think it convinced him that our loyalties to him were finite. That they were conditional.”

“Stupid bastard,” Sirius spat.

“He was,” James said. “Stupid, clever bastard.”

“When does the hate start, so it’ll stop hurting?” Sirius asked quietly.

James shook his head, then dropped it to lay along the expanse of Sirius’ upper arm. “Dunno if it ever will. Blimey, Pads, he was our best friend. I don’t know if I want it to stop hurting.”

Sirius growled, but it faded into a sigh and his free hand not holding his smoke came to tangle in James’ hair. “Yeah. Yeah I don’t think I want that either.”

They stayed out there a good long while.

*** 

Regulus knelt over the chair, cupping Lily by the chin as he pressed a kiss to her mouth, then lower to her belly where the baby kicked back. Not long now. A matter of weeks, and he’d be able to relieve her of some of the burden.

He stepped back and waited for James, who kissed her deeper, slower, as James did. She was sleepy though, and looked content with her cushioning charms and soft duvet and far too many pillows to be considered reasonable. By the time they reached the stairs, her breathing had already gone soft and even.

Regulus smiled when James took his hand.

They were already in pyjamas, and Regulus had taken a small dose of some potion to help him sleep—nothing too strong, but enough that he hoped with that and James’ arms, he would have a sound, full night of rest. He pushed back the duvet, waiting for James to climb in. Regulus always took the edge, not able to stand the feeling of being closed in between both a lover and a wall.

James didn’t seem to mind, only pausing to wriggle out of socks before he slipped under the covers and drew Regulus close. They kissed, far too tired for much else, but Regulus felt warm and content with James’ fingers in his hair.

“Do you think she resents me?”

The lights had gone out, but Regulus could see James’ eyes go wide in the dim light from the window. “What? Who resents you? And for what?”

“Lily,” Regulus said. He pushed his face into James’ neck, too embarrassed to show himself properly. “I mean, I don’t…I can’t…offer her what you can. But you and I have erm…you know. And I don’t want her to resent me for it.”

“Lily is in love with you,” James said, brushing his fingers through Regulus’ hair. “It doesn’t have to be sexual. She’s content. She’s said, and I believe her because she deserves to be believed. She’s never lied to us and I don’t think she’ll start now.”

Regulus sighed, then shrugged and nuzzled closer. “Just love you both so much. Owe you both everything.” He was drifting now, his eyes fluttering closed, words getting thicker and harder to string together. “Dunno…where I’d be if I…if we…if you…”

James chuckled and held on tight. “Sleep, my love. Just know that I’ll be here when you wake up. And so will Lily. And Harry. And the new one. And it’s always going to be that way, alright? You’ve got us, and no one can take that from you.”

“Mm.”

James pressed a kiss to the top of his head, which Regulus felt both in his waking mind, and in his dreams. He felt James take his hand, and the fingers were so soft. “It’s always going to be alright. You’ve got us.”

And he knew that. He really did.


End file.
